Monday, January 31, 2011

Paragraph 1 of " The Guardian ", by Shawn Dowds/Narrator = 12 year old boy name "PJ"

Before I met Jake Wilson (CIA Agent),  I was just a normal kid at middle school. My name is PJ, and I'm in 6th grade. Some kids in my school bully me like this kid name Mark Johnson (the biggest trouble maker in school). The girls at my school could be alittle bit sassy sometimes when their fighting over which boy they want to go out with. And now back to the present day, one day when I was walking home from school, Mark . J and his 2 friends were looking for a fight afterschool with me because I spilled Marks lunch on the floor of the cafe. So now here we are in the park ready to fight. Mark starts charging at me and tries to punch me and I blocked his fist and I kicked him in his private part and the last thing I did to Mark was wrestling him to the ground and started punching him in his cheek. After the fight was over, Mark never bothered me again. This story will continue in paragraph 2.
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3 comments:

  1. Meghan KFebruary 6, 2011 at 6:17 PM

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  2. Julia MFebruary 6, 2011 at 6:24 PM

    I like that I know right away what's going on. I know that the character is a 6th grader named PJ who is bullied. I was wondering when you'll mention what the setting is. I suggest that once you go "back to the present" you write in present tense because you tend to write in the past tense. It will make it feel more real for the reader and like it's actually happening. Also you should stick to one subject for your paragraph. You could split this up into a couple of paragraphs and "say more". Right now it feels a bit rushed.

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  3. Meghan KFebruary 8, 2011 at 12:58 PM

    Shawn,
    Your story gets me very interested. I loved how you explain every thing very clearly. The thing I love the most is when you were explaining the scenery and I feel like I am in the story. Somethings I think you should add are quotes, so your audience can notice who is talking and what the characters are saying. For example, when somebody new is talking maybe put quotes or make a new paragraph.

    - Meghan

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